One time, it was night and I was doing a lot of thinking and I was all tired and shit.
Then I heard something and freaked the fuck out.
I was sure it was just some asshole coming to visit me at midnight so I wasn’t worried.
I remember it was December because in December I like to have my fireplace lit.
Anyway, I wanted it to be morning because I was freaked out and I missed this chick named Lenore who was so beautiful that the fucking angels named her.
My purple curtains were moving a little bit and I freaked out again because I thought some stalker was in my house.
All of the sudden, I decided to grow some fucking balls, walk up to the door and say “Yo, who the fuck is in here? I was sleeping and you woke me up! “ I opened the door and it was just dark and creepy outside but, like, no one was there.
After waiting for a while I heard someone whisper “Lenore!”
At this point I was so afraid that I nearly shit my pants.
I ran the fuck back into my house and I kept hearing that annoying tapping but louder.
This time I opened the window and there was this fucking asshole of a raven.
He even dared to sit on my statue of Pallas* – douche.
Then I was like, “hey man, it’s cool” and smiled because he looked actually bummed that he woke me up.
All he said was “Nevermore.”
I was super shocked that this ugly little bird could talk.
Mostly because it really made no sense to say that to me and I think I can speak for everyone when I say “when was the last time you saw some bird named Nevermore sitting on your statue?”
But Nevermore kept on sitting there and saying “nevermore” as if it were the most important fucking word in the dictionary – wow, what an ego. Then I started talking to myself like some loony talking about how he’ll probably just leave me tomorrow just like all my other hopes and dreams. All he said was “nevermore.”
I was surprised he said something again because it ruined my peace and quiet so I told him what he was saying was bullshit. I felt bad right away because I was acting like a stuck-up douche-bag.
So I pulled my chair up next to him and just sat there thinking about why the fuck i’m sitting next to a bird and why he keeps repeating “nevermore.”
I sat thinking quietly and after a while I thought the air smelled really fucking good. Some fairy was probably chillin’. OMG, this fairy is telling me to forget about that hot chick Lenore and the bird was all like “nevermore.”
“You god-like devil bird! Wtf man? Are you haunting my fucking house?” All he said was “nevermore.”
“You god-like devil bird !” I said again, “when I die, can I be with Lenore again?” He said “nevermore” again.
“You fucker !” I screamed at him. “Get out of here !”
But he never left, he’s still sitting (talk about overstaying your welcome…bad manners).
I keep seeing him there and he’s fucking with my vibes.
Guess i’ll be depressed as shit forever.
*Some mythological reference: Greek god of warcraft.
