So it was the evening of 24 December, and it was super quiet and still and shit.
There were some socks by the fireplace for some reason,
Maybe in case a fat guy broke into the house and put shit into them (it could happen).
The kids were asleep (thank God), dreaming about dancing candy.
(We give the kids LSD sometimes.)
My wife and I were in bed, about to pass out after some hot Santa/Elf role-play,
When all of a sudden there was a loud noise outside.
I ran to the window and yelled, “what the fuck?”
It was really pretty outside,
Except for this guy with a fucking team of reindeer who was stumbling around.
Either he was the drunk hobo who lives under the bridge, or he was Santa.
Then he started yelling nonsense words,
Which I realized after a minute were the names of his deer,
‘Cause he was telling them to climb onto my goddamn roof.
They flew off super gracefully, and soon I could hear them stomping around up there.
Then I heard a thump. Luckily our security system was broken at the time.
He was wearing an outfit totally made of fur (probably from previous reindeer, the bastard).
He had this giant bag, and he took a bunch of toys and shit out of it,
And put them in the tree that was in our house for some reason.
He looked like a bearded cherub.
He was smoking a pipe, ’cause he has no manners, apparently,
And when he laughed his fat actually jiggled. Gross.
After he was done unloading all his shit, he left (via chimney, of course).
Then he got back into his sleigh, and flew off.
As if he hadn’t been enough of a disturbance,
He was shouting cheesy Hallmark lines as he soared away.
Maybe I took some LSD too.
[...] ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas [...]